sometimes i feel like my life falls apart because i am ill-equipped to handle stressful/tragic situations. i feel like im in one of those states right now. school is hard as i watch my sweet 6th graders turn to nasty 7th graders. one of my favorite families struggles with hardship and illness while i feel helpless as to what to do. i love them and i just dont know how to show it. to top that off, my grandma had two heart attacks on sunday morning which almost ended her life. the situation for now, is touch and go. i lost my grandpa last spring (her husband), i just dont think i can handle losing her too. i can’t think about it too much or i get too worked up.
sometimes when life seems the most overwhelming, i like to drive. yesterday after spending some time with my favorite people (amy and hannah), i took the long, long way home through the country roads at dusk. as i was driving, i saw a man in the middle of a field, bundled up to the nines (it was cold) with an easel and art supplies. he was painting the sunset over the trees. i kicked myself as i drove away, thinking that i would have liked to stop and just watch him paint.
it amazes me how much i can lose sight of what is important and how we all have stress. we all have loads to carry. my actions – not being as cheery, feeling overwhelmed, having shorter patience – are easy to see, but the root of the problem, no one would see unless they asked. sometimes i forget this when i talk to my students or when i get mad because they don’t follow directions or don’t do their homework. i had one of those enlightening conversations today. a girl who struggled first quarter, who turned everything around second to get an A, has now plummeted back down to a failing grade. with compassion, i asked her what was going on, and she told me that it was hard to do homework because her parents fight so much. right then my heart broke for her. at that second, the girl sitting next to her spoke up about how she was in the same situation not so long ago and they talked about it right there in the middle of class. that is taking care of each other. a little piece of me wanted to cry one, out of sadness for morgan, and two, out of joy that paige would find it so easy to share a similar story with morgan. in middle school, maybe more than any other place, all kids want to do is feel comfortable and find a place, find common ground. paige did that for morgan. i’ll tuck that gem into my pocket and carry it with me this week. maybe it will help me remember compassion this week.
another gem comes from today, something i wasnt meant to hear, but overheard anyway. matthew says to louie: “you know, english class is the only place i smile all day.” im sorry, matthew, that your classes dont make you want to smile anywhere else, but im sure glad you feel comfortable and happy in our room. thanks for your enthusiasm. i’ll tuck that gem in my pocket, too.
